Journal Entry – 06/20/19
Last night I had pasta with tomato sauce and grated organic Paremesan cheese. Sounds good, right? But being a Type II diabetic… where was the protein?
I knew better. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should have some beef jerky or cut up some lunch meat and put it in with the pasta, but NOooooooo…..
We then headed off to Bethany’s weekly Miracle League Baseball game, and as usual Bethany was annoyed by Joyce and I trying to talk in the car while she wanted to focus on listening to music (usually half a song, then skip to the next, which is a horrible kind of emotional whiplash for a musician). And she let us know her annoyance… and I got frustrated, as I always do when someone cuts me off in mid-sentence.
As the evening went on, others cut me off in mid-sentence… and my ability to cope with that kept diminishing as the lack of protein and the pasta turning to sugar in my bloodstream bottomed out my emotions. The scowl on my face was evident – I could feel it, and I knew that Joyce was bothered by that and not engaging me much because she didn’t want to receive yet more negativity from me.
So yeah, I was snippy a couple of times with my words. I felt justified, which was little comfort because it never really matters how justified you are when you are unable to be kind to others.
I was silent on the way home, and as soon as we arrived I secured some protein and started gnawing on it, hoping and praying it would bring my system back to a manageable state.
While the protein was digesting… that’s when Joyce wanted to talk with me about two specific instances where she didn’t like how I had talked with her. I could have told her those two things in advance – I was well aware.
It was awesome that Joyce was standing up for herself – too many times in the past people have just walked all over her (sadly, me included). I was proud of her.
I was also a bit defensive, as my blood sugar had not yet come back to a workable state. But then slowly it started to improve and we were able to discuss this with me not silently fighting myself inside.
Lesson? TRUST your inner voice, whatever you call it. There is a higher knowledge deep inside you that speaks more frequently than you may be aware of. It’s a gift, a guide, a form of knowing that far exceeds rational thought and logic. It’s that thing you know deep in your soul that you should do. It’s yet another thing where you are encouraging yourself to put your right foot in… but then you have to actually DO IT.
Nobody else can provide sustainable external motivation for you – you have to make the choice, the commitment. And when you don’t, you need to own the consequences and do what you can to get back on track. That’s what it’s all about.